THE HILLS ECHO

Spring 2006

 

CHAIRMAN'S REPORT

PINNER ROAD SCHOOL – LATEST REUNION

EMAIL INFORMATION GROUP

WEBSITE

YOUR MP WRITES

PLANNING

THE ASSOCIATION LOGO

BE ALERT

THE HOG’S BACK, NORTHWOOD HILLS

HAYDON SCHOOL REPORT

RETURN TO THE FORBIDDEN PLANET

FURTHER MEMORIES OF OLD NORTHWOOD

MORE ON BARNEY

NORTHWOOD SCHOOL NEWS

NORTHWOOD SCHOOL’S 2ND ADULT COURSE

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 50

KEEP NORTHWOOD HILLS TIDY

A LIVING WILL

NORTHWOOD SCHOOL ASSOCIATION

VISIT TO HILLSIDE JUNIOR SCHOOL BY THE MAYOR

COME AND JOIN US

HARLYN DRIVE – ROAD STEWARD

WHAT’S ON AT St. EDMUND’S

TRUE STORY

REMINISCING – (AN ODE TO  DOUGLAS BANKS)

VISIBLE SIGNS OF IMPROVEMENT

IMMOBILISE NATIONAL PROPERTY REGISTER LOST OR STOLEN

NORTHWOOD AND PINNER COMMUNITY HOSPITAL

NORTHWOOD LIONS CLUB

NORTHWOOD LIVE AT HOME SCHEME

MPS – MAILING PREFERENCE SERVICE

DEFINITIONS

QUIZ

OBITUARY for MR SENSE

ANSWERS TO THE AUTUMN QUIZ 05 QUIZ

CHAIRMAN'S REPORT

It has been another eventful year for the Residents Association with perhaps the biggest issue on everyone’s lips being battle to keep Joel Street Farm green. After lots of hard work from the Committee members of the Residents’ Association, and the residents of Northwood Hills, together with the support of our 3 local councillors, Nick Hurd our Member of Parliament, and also the neighbouring Residents Associations, Hillingdon Council refused planning permission to convert the farm into a cemetery. I would like to express a very big thank you to all those who helped with this campaign in so many ways, from collecting signatures to writing letters to oppose the proposed development. I think that this is an opportune moment to reiterate the Residents Association stance: we are opposed to any development on Joel Street Farm that would result in the loss of the green oasis in the centre of our town. I am sure that the majority of residents will agree with this.

To move on to other areas of concern I am sure you are all aware of the issues caused at nights by antisocial behaviour in the local area especially around Northwood Hills shops. I think it is safe to say that the police have found this a difficult issue to resolve and I would like to urge all of you to report any instances. The local councillors and the Residents Association have tried to ensure that these issues are repeatedly raised.

At the start of 2006, St Vincent’s Nursery moved from the site at St Vincent’s Hospital, to Haydon School, on the corner of Norwich Road and Wiltshire Lane. Whilst we welcome the move as safeguarding the future of the Nursery, it has created a lot of distress to the local residents, in particular the refuse collection that takes place on a daily basis, between the hours of 04:30 and 06:30 in the morning. We support the residents in their request to the school in changing the collection time to a more reasonable hour.

Traffic in Northwood Hills, especially in and around the schools, is still a major concern. Haydon School have started looking into ideas and plans to help relieve some of the congestion, and the Residents Association will be working with the local residents and the school to try and find a solution.

The Christmas decorations were completed for Christmas 2005, and what a display; thanks must go to Ray Krystofiak and his helpers.

 To end on a sad note, Paul Banks of Douglas Banks Estate Agent Business passed away in February. Paul and his partner Lindsey have very kindly donated the historic photographs that used to be displayed in the window of Douglas Banks to the Residents Association and we will be investigating the possibility of publishing a booklet to be sold in aid of a suitable charity.

John Morgan

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PINNER ROAD SCHOOL – LATEST REUNION

The 2006 reunion for ex-pupils of Pinner Road School is planned for the 6th of June at Haste Hill Golf Club. There will be a buffet lunch at £5.50 per person. Anyone interested should contact me by e.mail catlovers3@btopenworld.com or telephone on 01753 642455 as soon as possible.

Marion Wilson

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EMAIL INFORMATION GROUP

A couple of months ago my AOL crashed and had to be reloaded. During this operation I lost some (why only some I don’t know) of my email addresses so if I previously had your email address for early information and you haven’t received anything from me in the last few weeks will you please email me again with your details. I am sorry for this chore but it is beyond my control. I need your name, address and email address; it is your choice as to whether you include your telephone number. If you would put in the ‘subject’ line the words ‘information group’ it would be helpful. As you know the information is sent out as ‘blind copy’ so that your address is not shown to others.

Please send to margotbarnikel@aol.com

Any member is welcome to join this group; just send me the same details and I will add your name to the list so that I may keep you up to date with local affairs.

Margot Barnikel- Hon Sec.

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WEBSITE

Don’t forget that our website www.northwoodhills.co.uk is just that – it’s your website as well. You may want to put an item on the site or just keep up to date.

All contributions or comments to Ray Krystofiak on 020 8866 3241 or ray.krystofiak@btinternet.com

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YOUR MP WRITES

What I like about London is the way that local communities have kept their identities in the face of great change. The great City remains a network of villages- just. Over the last year as your MP I have learnt to respect and enjoy the differences between the various communities that make up the Ruislip-Northwood constituency. I have also become very conscious of the threat to the quality of life that has drawn people to this area over the years. Northwood Hills is rich in examples. Many of you will have followed the saga of the threat to the precious landscape of Joel Street Farm. We may have won a victory against the proposal to turn it into a cemetery but we cannot yet feel secure about preserving that view for future generations. Many of you will have been grateful for the access that the community has had to superb medical facilities such as Mt Vernon, the Northwood and Pinner Cottage Hospital and Harefield. All three hospitals enjoy great support from the community and yet face very uncertain futures as the NHS struggles to manage financial crisis. Many of you will have appreciated over the years easy access to good shops on a high street of character. You will perhaps share my concern about the way that small, local shops are being squeezed out by chain stores and fast food outlets that add litter but not character to the area. Finally I know that many residents are concerned by the growing presence of kids hanging round on the high street. It can be intimidating and can lead to problems of antisocial behaviour that are such a blight on communities.

In the face of these challenges, I am determined to remain optimistic. What gives me confidence is the fact that there are still enough people out there who care enough about the community to stand up for it. It makes the job of us elected representatives that much easier. For example, the Northwood Hills Residents Association responded magnificently to the Joel Street farm threat. In putting together such a vast petition, you helped send the clearest possible message about local wishes. Likewise I know that the Association is tireless in trying to persuade the planning department at the Council to give greater priority to new retail shops on the high street. With regard to the hospitals, local organisations such as Community Voice and Heart of Harefield are well known for their tenacity in protecting access to high quality, local care. In respect of community safety, I know that the police are very grateful for the network of Neighbourhood Watches in the area. The good news is that Northwood Hills will soon have its own Safer Neighbourhood Team. This team of five dedicated police officers will be based in the area, and will be much more visible and accessible. The concept has worked very well in South Ruislip and I am optimistic that it will play an important role in reducing concern about antisocial behaviour. It is the kind of neighbourhood policing that residents have cried out for, and I hope that you will all support the launch in April. Of course, more police is not the only solution. Local kids need more opportunities to socialise safely and use their time constructively. The Council are well aware of this and have ambitious plans to boost youth services in the area.

I am optimistic but not complacent. We should all share a desire to keep this a good area to live. I know from experience that the best results are achieved when communities work together. My concern is that modern life makes that harder. We lead more individual lives. Power is being increasingly centralised. Local people wonder what they can actually do that will make a difference. That is a very dangerous trend. The Northwood Hills Residents Association has proved that people power can make a difference and long may it flourish.

Nick Hurd M.P.

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PLANNING

2005 proved to be a satisfactory year regarding planning applications. Our greatest satisfaction and relief was when the Council North Planning Committee refused the application to allow Joel Street Farm to become a cemetery. I feel that this was helped by the response from residents who voiced their objections to the proposed loss of this part of our Green Belt. Many signed the petition and many wrote individual letters to the Council. I would also like to express our gratitude to our councillors, and our M.P., Nick Hurd for their support. I also feel grateful to our Council Planning Officers and Committee. Clearly they have in mind the preservation of our pleasant area, thus preventing the fate of many other parts of the country.

It would, of course, be a mistake to be too complacent. Although it is too late for an appeal, a revised application at a later date cannot be ruled out. However, your Association with residents’ support will always be alert to resist any such incursion into our green and pleasant area.

St Vincent’s Hospital Site There is a certain similarity between this and Joel Street Farm as the Green Belt issue affects both. The Charity of St Vincent’s tried hard to save the splendid Orthopaedic Hospital but circumstances beyond their control decreed otherwise. So they set their sights lower and planned a 60 bed Nursing Home financed by the sale of land occupied by the disused wards and other buildings. I visited St. Vincent’s many times over the past years on behalf of our Association. They were years of high hopes and disappointment but as previously reported we agreed to the present proposal providing that the land on the eastern side is cleared of all buildings and returned to Green Belt. The nursing home is now nearing completion and they hope to accept the first residents in June of this year. The new housing estate has been completed, apart from landscaping and all the houses are occupied. It is expected that clearing of the eastern side will start later this year. I believe the whole area will be very attractive but hope to report further in our next issue of the Hills Echo.

Shops – Change of Use – retail to restaurants etc. Many residents have expressed concern about the number of applications for change of use from retail to restaurant or café. I am pleased to report that the outlook is brighter than we at first feared. Last year 5 such applications were submitted and I wrote expressing our objections. I was pleased when the Council Planning Committee refused 4, allowing only one to proceed. One of the 4 refused applicants, the proposed Sunshine Café, appealed to the Planning Inspectorate (National Government) but the appeal was dismissed.

House Extensions. Normally I deal with these only when a neighbour complains that it will cause a problem. Fortunately, most applicants discuss their proposal with neighbours and try to reach agreement. I would encourage anyone proposing to extend to do this; it often makes things easier and avoids the start of poor relations. After all ‘good neighbours make good friends’. I do make an exception to my normal policy when the proposal is to raise or extend the roof of one side of a pair of semi detached houses, which is a popular way of acquiring additional accommodation. Most are satisfied with a rear dormer, which normally causes no problem. Anything much beyond that can look ugly and throw the block out of balance, affect the street scene and become environmentally unacceptable. We aim to protect our neighbourhood from thoughtless planning for the sake of our residents.

Permissive Development. This is a national rule whereby small developments can go ahead without seeking local authority approval. It must, of course, comply with Building Regulations and certain other conditions. Unfortunately, it can, and has, caused problems when an extension has had a detrimental affect on neighbouring property. One of our Road Stewards, Natalie Chapman took the initiative and put this problem to Cllr. David Bishop. A meeting was arranged at her home to discuss the problem with our M.P. Nick Hurd; also in attendance were Cllr. David Bishop and myself. We now await the outcome. This could take a while as we are dealing with a national and not local regulation.

Lishman Easby

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THE ASSOCIATION LOGO

Members will be familiar with our logo, which appears on the front cover of the Hills Echo and also letter headings etc. Our Association was formed in 1934 but our Logo dates back only to 1992. Prior to that I have found no trace of a logo except for the picture printed below which appeared on the front cover of ‘The Resident’, a former newsletter of our Association, which ceased to be printed many years ago. Members will recognise the picture as the island of trees in Northwood Way known as ‘The Clump’. When that area was developed in the ‘30s the road was wisely diverted around the Clump, ensuring its preservation.

 It was in 1992 that your committee decided that it was time that we had a logo. We decided that we should consult the experts and hold a competition at Northwood School and Haydon School. We had full co-operation from Headteachers and Art Teachers, we offered a small monetary prize and the senior class from each school set to work. We had many entries and after much discussion chose two, one submitted by Yee-Jin-Goh a 14-year-old girl from Haydon and another Leila Scudder aged 13 from Northwood School. Yee-Jon-Goh’s contribution showed an excellent design surrounding a picture of a house emphasising the residential aspect of our work. Leila’s contribution placed the emphasis on shops and transport and also included the three hills, which gave Northwood Hills its name, i.e. Pinner Hill, Haste Hill and Hogs Back.

We decided that the ideas from both entries could be incorporated. This was done and our logo came into being. We feel that it does illustrate our work. The houses depict the important domestic scene and our aim to safeguard residents from unacceptable development. The shops, again very appropriate as we are devoted to protecting the viability of our shopping area. Finally the hills, apart from illustrating our scene they also demonstrate our concern and action to retain our rural aspect against would-be developers.

The two schoolgirls to whom we owe the ideas for our logo were presented with their prizes by Councillor David Bishop at a brief ceremony at Haydon School. If Yee-Jon and Leila should read this we should like once more to express our gratitude and convey our best wishes to them both.

I believe it was our late member, Leslie Hodson, first editor of the Hills Echo, who produced the logo we use today, based on the design put forward by Yee-Jon and Leila. Leslie worked hard for the Association and readers will remember his articles in the Hills Echo under the nom de plume of Stroller.

Lishman Easby

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BE ALERT

This poem was printed in ‘The Resident’ (a former Association magazine) in 1958. The words are still relevant today.

Our policy is still the same,
Our course is ever set,
To guard our members’ interests,
Their problems duly met.
We’re going through a period now
When jobs like ours lose face,
When competition rears its head
And vies with us for place.
The T.V. set and radio,
The weekly pools as well,
All take their toll of time and so
We lose, ‘tis sad to tell.
And yet, dear member, be alert, 
Lest later all may rue.
Help us to fight the apathy,
You need us, we need you.
Anon

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THE HOG’S BACK, NORTHWOOD HILLS

Northwood Hills properly dates to the later 1930s when the station was built but there were farms, buildings and houses and particularly pubs here a long time ago. Pinner Road School goes back to the early days of the 20th century and, of course, a road like Hilliard Road dates from the same Edwardian period. Northwood Hills has always lived in the shadow of Northwood and perhaps if it had been called differently it might have asserted more independence. The very name that won the competition suggested satellite status! Names do count and carry weight!

Yet Northwood Hills has been blessed with green spaces, especially the park and Haste Hill. Moreover, two other open spaces are tightly within its built up boundaries and go back for as long as time itself. One is Joel Street Farm, a green jewel, that delights the eye and has been (so far!) successfully protected from development, and the other is the Hog’s Back. They are very different from each other. The one magnificently open and pastoral - and how wonderful it is to see animals grazing there in early April as this is being written! The other, the Hog’s Back, is a little secretive and rather hidden by development except along Northwood Way. They are open spaces for everyone to enjoy.

I can remember the Hog’s Back from the early 1940s when the bungalows built along the start of Northwood Way from Hillside Road did not exist. So you could walk along from the bottom of Hillside Road over open land across Hillside Rise all the way up to the top of the Hog’s Back and into the passageway coming out opposite Waverley Gardens. There were and are wonderful views across to London from the top. In the summer there were those beautiful black moths, with red dots, everywhere on the lower slopes and especially on the triangle of land at the bottom of Hillside Road. Boys would be flying balsa wood planes, some very elaborate with frames covered in special lacquered paper and strong elastic bands for a motor (remember them?); others would be playing an impromptu game of cricket along the top of the ridge. It was excellent practice as the surface was so bumpy that playing on good school pitches afterwards seemed a doddle. People who lived in Hillside Crescent and adjoining roads used it as a short cut to the shops and station. In winter, when there was snow, children of all ages, shapes and sizes, got out toboggans, makeshift sledges and trays to zip down the slope to Northwood Way. There was one dip that speeded you up and bumped you about, which could be exhilarating – and bruising! Haste Hill was a longer and much more perfect run but less fun.

A visit to the Hog’s Back this March, after a long absence (and without nostalgia being at all on the agenda!), was disappointing. I didn’t, of course, expect to see games being played; I didn’t expect to find much wildlife for it had been a cold spring and I was pleased to see some clutches of purple crocus. What I didn’t expect or want to see was an invasion of Scrub, Bramble and May. You may feel this is nature simply doing what it naturally does when left to its own devices – but here it simply suggested a piece of land left to waste. Well-meaning residents had strung up plastic bags around the area as a reminder to people not to dump their litter and perhaps to dog walkers to ensure they cleaned up after their pets. But the result was most unappealing. Moreover, paths had been allowed to grow over and frankly after doing a circuit and walking along the ridge, I hurried away.

We do know that nature needs some management to create the kind of harmony that Capability Brown knew of and all country gardeners practice. We are so fortunate to have the Hog’s Back in the middle of our suburb. More should be made of it! More should be done for it! Words are easy and action is time consuming, possibly expensive and otherwise arduous. However, I am sure the Council Planning Department could be persuaded to draw up a plan for conserving the Hog’s Back while keeping all its natural features, provided the residents did the donkeywork. There’s the rub! Many hands make light work and if even some of us offered to help and worked to such a plan, the job could be done. The Hog’s Back does not need changing at all – it needs some sympathetic attention!

Robert Symes

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HAYDON SCHOOL REPORT

OFSTED, the schools’ inspectors, last visited in 2003. We were delighted to receive a letter naming Haydon as one of the OFSTED Chief Inspector’s outstanding schools. So have things got even better? There is plenty of evidence to suggest they have!

Also, last year 162 out of 194 students (84%) went to University. Three students in the current Year 13 hold offers at Oxford or Cambridge Universities. Haydon has the highest A level points score of any state school in the west of London, including the famous London Oratory School.

Some of you will have read in the national papers that from 2007 the league tables will be based on the number of students with five A*- C, including English and Mathematics. Haydon does very well on this measure also, with 65% of students last year achieving 5 or more GCSE A*- C grades, including English and Maths. The England average was 44% and the London Borough of Hillingdon average 39%. Haydon was the best state school in Hillingdon on this measure.

It is certainly true that, given the area in which the school is located, our results should be good.

However, the school also did well on what is known as “value-added”. This looks at whether students made the progress expected between primary school and the end of Year 11. This, in effect, removes the benefits of being in a good area as students come in with higher primary school grades. Even on this measure Haydon did very well in terms of value-added, performing significantly above expectations.

Haydon also gets some brilliant results with students facing some disadvantages and having special educational needs. For example, 40% of Haydon students taking free school meals (a measure used to assess social disadvantage) in 2004 passed 5 GCSEs A*- C (with English and Maths) compared to 18% for the London Borough of Hillingdon. For students with statements of special educational need the figures were 25% for Haydon and 3% for Hillingdon. 
Outstanding Individual Success at GCSE

There were some outstanding stories of success within the overall results. Two boys came in the top five students in the country out of a staggering total of 524,600 students for their performance in GCSE English Literature. In fact in English Literature 81% of boys gained a grade C or above, showing that Haydon is doing a great deal to break down the idea of “boys” and “girls” subjects. The corresponding national figure was only 59%.

To get one student in the top 10 in the country in one year would be a tremendous achievement, but Haydon got four in 2005. Another student was in the top five for Media Studies out of 41,700 students nationally and the fourth student in the top ten for Business Studies out of 78,400 students. Results in the Key Stage 3 SATs Tests were good.
So Everything’s Perfect Then?

Many things are going well but there is always room for improvement. If staff did not always think this then the improvements we have made would soon be lost. We remain concerned that a small number of students in Year 11 each year leave the school with few qualifications, and we know some of them are very able. The expansion will allow us to introduce new, more practical vocational courses to try and improve the situation. We are also aware that some students in Year 12 do not do as well as they should in some of their AS level examinations. However, neither of these challenges should detract from the fact that the school has made huge strides in the last few years, and on almost any measure is now one of the most successful in the country.

From the School Newsletter

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RETURN TO THE FORBIDDEN PLANET

Take a story loosely based on The Tempest (with characters called Prospero, Miranda and Ariel), create dialogue by adapting and lifting chunks of Shakspere’s verse (both from The Tempest and many other plays), set in the context of the fifties and sixties pulp space comic, accompany it with the popular music of the period (from Teenager in Love to Great Balls of Fire, via The Young Ones and Shake Rattle & Roll), and you have a pretty heady mixture.

This was delivered in Haydon School’s 2006 production, with immense commitment, verve and skill by the cover-all suited team of officers and crew, whose expenditure of energy in the vocal and dance numbers would serve to power the average space vessel.

Worthy of praise, too, were the effective spare set, the lighting and special effects, the brilliant Band and all the efforts of the myriad back stage staff.

Your Editor had a most enjoyable evening and is still savouring the dialogue which ensued when the ship’s radar seemed to indicate an approaching vessel: “Two beeps; or not two beeps? That is the question.”

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FURTHER MEMORIES OF OLD NORTHWOOD

Walking down Chestnut Avenue in the springtime and seeing the beautiful chestnut blossoms of pink and white all the way down the Avenue, followed by the shiny brown conkers which we used to gather, and later give to my brother who played games with his friends by threading them on string and trying to knock each other’s out.

The lovely flowerbeds in the Recreation Ground and the Cemetery, filled with beds of hyacinths, tulips, daffodils, forget-me-nots and other flowers in their season.

The walks up Haste Hill to the top and then through the footpath to Wiltshire Lane where at the top of the hill St. Vincent’s kept pigs, and we would see them through a thicket of brambles and blackberries. St. Vincent’s, in those days, was called the ‘Cripples Home’ and most of the patients were young people and they used to sleep in open fronted wards to get the fresh air.

I remember on a Sunday morning about lunch time (dinner it was called in those days) the Ice Cream Man would come over from Watford and we would go across the road to where he was parked and he would fill a pudding basin with his delicious ice cream to go with our home grown stewed gooseberries or rhubarb. His name was Cerasales.

Most people that I knew in those days in the High Street kept chickens, and one neighbour had pigs! The gardens were long and everyone grew their own vegetables – potatoes, peas beans, carrots, cabbage, tomatoes, lettuce, onions etc. all beautifully kept, neat and tidy. My friend Vera and I would play in the old chicken house at the top of the garden. We put net across the windows and made it very comfortable and pretended to make mint sauce and things to go with our pretend dinners. We spent hours up there playing happily with our dolls and dolls prams and cradles.

Another game we played was Post Offices. With a toy sewing machine we used to make stamps by perforating the paper. At Christmas time we loved to watch Mr Potter who kept the Sweet Shop opposite our house in the High Street dress his window for Christmas with all the fancy bits and pieces and the Toy Shops used to have miniature shops selling things from joints of meat to all sorts of sweets in jars all made from sugar.

Marjorie Rackley

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MORE on BARNEY

So it’s time for me, your resident newshound, Barney, age 5 years, and a black and white collie, to tell you how my life has been going. I’d like to work living in Northwood into this piece, as this is my remit, but I have had other places on my mind. I recently heard some intriguing news…I am not a full collie but a collie cross! Somewhere in my history, one of my predecessors met and tangoed with a spaniel and I think that makes me a little Spanish, I’m wondering now if this is why I like paella, Julio Iglesias and have a yearning to retire to a beach bar in Fuengirola. Hopefully, my ancestor may have been a King Charles Spaniel, I may in fact be royalty, and Prince Barney has a nice ring about it. Possibly, being part Spanish explains my handsome looks, chocolate brown eyes and hairy chest.

I thought I’d tell you that I have enrolled in a writing workshop. I have so far learned that I must never, never, write as a human. It’s boring, cliched and been done a thousand times. So let me write as the canine I am. “Woof, yap, yap, woof, grrr,Aarrooooooo”.You see it’s not going to work. I refuse to acknowledge that I am a dog, and I’m sick of being treated like one, dragged around the park, pretending to like chasing squirrels, stalking magpies....for heavens sake. I want to read Hemingway, drink a ‘63 Bollinger in my smoking jacket, reflect on the glory of 15 century Italian art, and what do I get? “Catch the ball, catch the ball” Sheesh!

I do want to say that Northwood seems to be invaded with foxes lately. I nudged open the curtains last night and there were three of them, snouts pressed up to the window, KFC chicken bones in each mouth, teasing me. When are we going to have an asbo order put on them? I try to remain macho and snarl a little and dance around in a circle, but I haven’t got the heart, and they are distant cousins after all. My best trick is to sing at them, it seems to work. I’m thinking about applying for Pop Idol next year.

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NORTHWOOD SCHOOL NEWS

One of the most significant events in the continuing expansion of the schools facilities was the official opening of the Anthony Runacres Enterprise Centre on 22 November, an addition which will enlarge the learning experience of all pupils for a long while to come. This suite will also be used to offer Adult Evening Classes in Computer Skills, information about one of which is featured below.

The school has now enrolled every pupil in the SAMLEARNING online service, which is accessed through the internet and is most useful in revising, researching and testing work.

The school now has in place a most comprehensive anti-bullying policy and associated procedures. All pupils will be made aware of the total unacceptability of any form of bullying, be it physical, psychological, verbal or whatever.
Since last September there have been the full range of visits and external activities we have come to expect of the school, as well as the many sporting successes enjoyed and the traditional charitable enterprises.
Digested from the school newsletters.

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NORTHWOOD SCHOOL’S 2ND ADULT COURSE

It is with excitement that I write to let you know about the School’s latest community project. After successfully running our 1st course in ‘E-Presentation’, we shall now be offering our 2nd Adult Evening Class in File Management and Document Production (Microsoft Word) in our new Enterprise suite. This class will give adults the opportunity to learn IT skills and, if they wish, go on to obtain a national vocational qualification. I have set out below details of the class offered and how you may apply. 

Our aim is to provide an easily accessible friendly way to gain new skills for any adult, whether they are new to using computers or they come with some experience. No previous knowledge is needed. All our computer courses will be highly practical and will use fast modern computers with the latest versions of Windows XP and Microsoft Office. Internet based courses have access to fast connections on the web. We will keep group sizes small which will enable us to give you individual attention. Included in the course price is a training manual covering topics in each session.

The course is based on the new CLAIT qualification (Computer Literacy and Information Technology) which is recognised by employers and colleges. This qualification consists of up to 11 units which can be taken separately or brought together into a complete computer skills qualification. They are awarded by means of a practical assignment during which a complete task is set. It is not essential to enter for this assignment - the skills learnt in the course will be of value in many walks of life even without the certificate.

Why not help yourself to a new computer skill this Easter? For further information, or to request a application form (application forms are also available in the library next to the school), please contact Northwood School on 01923 833 961. Closing date is Friday 14th April 2006. Places will be offered on a strictly first come first served basis.

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A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 50

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend, and gig was a job for the night, now they all mean different things, and you really just add “abyte”.

An application was for employment, a programme was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age, a CD was a bank account, and if you had a 3-in. floppy, you hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file, and if you unzipped anything in public, you’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket-knife, paste you did with glue, a web was a spider’s home, and a virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper, and the memory in my head, I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they’ll wish they were dead.

Anon

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KEEP NORTHWOOD HILLS TIDY

This year will be the third year I have organised our “Keep Northwood Hills Tidy” action day, a working partnership between the London Borough of Hillingdon’s cleansing department and local residents. 
Therefore, I ask you to join local residents armed with brooms, litter picks and shovels supplied by the local Authority helping defeat litterbugs and clean up Northwood Hills......just for a day at least. If you are able to join us, please pencil into your diary Saturday April 22nd.

However, keeping Northwood Hills tidy is not just about one Saturday in April or October; it should be every day of the year. Everyone of us in this community - resident, school or voluntary group - has to take responsibility and contribute to keeping our community clean, green and safe every day of the year.

In addition to their normal efforts to keep their schools tidy, Haydon Secondary, Harlyn and Hillside Primary Schools will have a supervised tidy around the perimeter of the school on Friday 21st April. The local Authority supplying gloves and litter picks will support their efforts. 

I end by thanking all those who take part in the clean up and see you all on Saturday April 22nd.

Andrew Retter – Co-ordinator Northwood Hills Clean-up.

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A LIVING WILL

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, 'Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

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NORTHWOOD SCHOOL ASSOCIATION

Would like to welcome any Northwood Hills Residents Association members to our forthcoming social and fund-raising events. Northwood School has always been involved in the local community and welcomes local residents and friends to join parents, pupils and staff, to our events.

Firstly, the NSA is holding a fund raising Quiz Evening for Northwood School on Saturday 20th May 2006. Doors open at 7pm for 7.30 start and will end at 10.30pm. Bring your own nibbles. Drinks are available at our licensed bar selling wines, beers and soft drinks. Maximum 6 persons per table, over 18’s only. Tickets are just £4 each person. Our experienced Quizmasters host an enjoyable and varied evening suitable for all abilities. During the evening a raffle will be held with proceeds of the raffle donated to SCOPE at our Quizmasters request. Please join us if you can.

Secondly, on Thursday 13th July 2006 we are delighted to welcome back local entertainer and musician Ricky Purcell for an R&B Evening. 7.30pm-10.30pm, tickets cost just £4. Again we will have a licensed bar. This evening is becoming a feature of our social calendar as Ricky has a great and loyal following. It is the norm for every person in the hall to be up dancing for most, if not all of the evening. Somehow, Ricky seems to know just what songs to play to get the crowd moving and enjoying themselves, whether they are 18 or 68. Requests are always welcome. We are confident that once you have been to one of Ricky’s R&B evenings you will return again and again.

Tickets for either of the events are available from Northwood School Office. If you do not have a pupil at the school you can send a cheque to Northwood School, Potter St, Northwood.HA6 1QG. Cheques payable to ‘Northwood School Association’. Please enclose your return address and telephone number in case of query and state which event you would like to come to. We hope you will support us in our efforts to keep the long tradition of the fundraising arm of our school (PTA) thriving and active. We try to keep the ticket prices within reach of everyone, and also hopefully make a small profit, which can be used within the school for the benefit of our pupils.

M Bennion Member of Northwood School Association

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VISIT TO HILLSIDE JUNIOR SCHOOL BY THE MAYOR

On Wednesday 1 February 2006 we were delighted to receive a visit from ‘The Worshipful Mayor and the Mayoress of Hillingdon’ at Hillside Junior School. They attended an assembly together with their macebearer and informed the pupils about their role in our local community and answered many questions. They spent the rest of the afternoon going into lessons and looking around the school guided by our Head Boy, Miles Brown and our Head Girl, Georgina Corkery. They were presented with flowers at the end of their visit on behalf of the school. This proved to be a wonderful experience for both staff and children at Hillside and was a truly enjoyable afternoon.

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COME AND JOIN US

Come and get involved. The current committee would welcome some new blood, although we are quite a peaceful lot really. There are several positions that could benefit from a little extra help and the position of Minutes Secretary hasn’t been filled for some time. If you feel you could help in any way and would like some more information please give me a ring on 020 8866 2497.

Margot Barnikel

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HARLYN DRIVE – ROAD STEWARD

After almost 20 years I have had to give up as Road Steward for my part of Harlyn Drive. I am afraid age (84) has caught up with me and I am not as mobile as I used to be. However, I am continuing as Association Planning Officer and also Road Steward in my own road, Middleton Drive. I was sorry to give up Harlyn Drive, I enjoyed meeting the residents and would like to extend to you all my gratitude for your kind welcome and the little chats which I enjoyed.

Efforts are being made to appoint one or more road stewards to take my place and I am confident that you will convey to him/her/them the same warmth that I enjoyed.

Lishman Easby

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WHAT’S ON AT St. EDMUND’S

Easter is probably the most important time of the Christian year - the commemoration of the crucifixion and subsequent resurrection of Jesus Christ is of the highest significance for all Christians. But the story of Christ here on earth doesn’t end with the resurrection. There was a period of time during which he appeared to many people, including, of course, the 11 remaining disciples, and he used this time to explain how the message of salvation was to be spread throughout the world. At the end of this time, which is viewed as being 40 days, Christ ascended into heaven, to sit at the right hand of God the Father. But just before he did, he commissioned the disciples to go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to all people, so that those who believe and are baptised will be saved. And that’s exactly what today’s Christian priests, the successors to the disciples, continue to do, carrying out those last instructions of Jesus himself. So the Ascension is something pretty important to be celebrated too. Every year, 40 days after Easter Day, Ascension Day has special Church services, and we have those special services at 10.00 am and 8.00 pm. This year, Ascension Day falls on Thursday 25th May. As it’s always on a Thursday, it would be nice if that day were to be a public holiday, to help the celebrations along, and indeed it is a public holiday in many countries, including France, Germany, and at least 9 other countries in Europe, as well as a number in Africa and elsewhere. And the Welsh have a tradition that it is unlucky to do any work on Ascension Day! So I think it’s time England caught up with the idea.

And Ascension Day isn’t the only festival we’ll be celebrating in the coming months. On Sunday 4th June is the feast of Pentecost (Whit Sunday), which celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit. In addition to the normal Sunday services on that day, at 6.30 pm there will be a special Choral Evensong, which combines beautiful music with meditative worship. The next Sunday, 11th June, is the celebration of the Trinity, the threefold nature of the one God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and then on Thursday 15th June we celebrate the day of Corpus Christi (Latin for the body of Christ), which is the day of thanksgiving for the institution of Holy Communion, the central act of worship in the Christian Church. Truly a season of great celebrations.

But we don’t just have services at St. Edmund’s. We have our own drama group, Arrow Players, who produce a splendid Pantomime every Christmas. In May, Arrow Players will be presenting a play called “Laughter In The Dark”. It’s a comedy about a gathering of assorted relatives to hear about their Uncle’s will. The will has all sorts of unusual conditions that result in much humour, romance, and financial shenanigans. Add to that the fact that it all takes place in an ancient country house that is home to a number of fairly active ghosts, and you have the perfect recipe for a most enjoyable evening.

“LAUGHTER IN THE DARK” is on Thursday, Friday & Saturday 11th - 13th May at 7.45 pm, in St. Edmund’s Hall, Pinner Road.  Tickets are £6 - from 020 8868 7785

Another activity at St. Edmund’s is our series of Classic Concerts. There are 2 of those upcoming - the first is on Sunday 30th April, at 3.30 pm, when Vivien Banfield will be playing 2 of Schubert’s piano sonatas - the “Wanderer” fantasy, and the “Reliquie”. (Tickets £4, including refreshments, from 020 8866 4610). Then on Sunday 25th June at 7.00 pm there will be the Summer Supper Concert, which will feature works by Chopin and Tchaikovsky. Tickets are £10, including Supper, and must be reserved in advance from 020 8866 4610.

The Church will hold its Spring Fair on Saturday 20th May, from 11.30 am - Plants, Cakes, Needlework, Sideshows, Games, Books, Tombola, Bouncy Castle, and of course Refreshments - loads of fun for all the family!
How do you find St. Edmund’s? Well, start from Northwood Hills circus and go towards Pinner Green. The Church is about 500 yards along the main road, on the left.

For more details, and to keep up to date with everything at St. Edmund’s, check out www.saintedmundschurch.org.uk or call into the Church and pick up a copy of the Church Magazine - it’s all there!

Mike Godden

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TRUE STORY

Susie stumbled and fell. Her friend, Sherry, saw this happen. Being very concerned, she had the insight to ask Susie the 3 questions below. Susie failed all three test-questions, so an ambulance was called. Even though she had normal blood pressure readings and did not appear to be suffering a stroke (she could converse to some extent with the Paramedics) they took her to the hospital right away.

 Susie suffered brain damage after a massive stroke, but is recouping at an incredible pace. So simple - this literally saved Susie's life - Some angel had previously sent this advice to Susie's friend and she followed it exactly. Read and Learn the 3 steps! A stroke occurs when oxygen fails to reach some part of the brain. Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.

Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim will suffer brain damage if people nearby fail to recognise the symptoms of a stroke, and take action. Now doctors say a bystander can recognise a stroke by asking the victim three simple questions:
1.Ask the individual to SMILE.
2.Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3.Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE coherently (e.g. "It is sunny out today"). If he or she has trouble with ANY of these tasks, call an ambulance immediately and describe the symptoms. After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness / arm weakness / and speech problems, researchers now urge the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

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REMINISCING – (An Ode to Douglas Banks)

Kettle’s boiling, cups in place
Waiting for a friendly face
It’s half past eight, he’s never late
It’s not so very long to wait.
‘Cup of coffee?’ – Ooh, yes’ he’ll say
And so we start another day
The phones are ringing; it’s nice and busy
We’re running round till we’re almost dizzy
‘I’ve tied a sale,’ he shouts – ‘Hooray’
I say ‘that’s great, that’s two today’.
‘Fancy coffee? – ‘Ooh, yes please’
With fingers tapping on the keys
‘Buying or selling?’ as we take their name
It’s like Monopoly, if you’ve played that game
Two houses here and a bungalow there
Perhaps a hotel, if you really dare.
‘Cup of coffee?’ – Ooh, yes please’
As he answers back, whilst quoting fees.
Old photos make a new display
The window’s full by end of day
Historic houses, such as Haydon Hall
There’s far too many to show them all.
‘Time for coffee?’ – Oh, in a minute
Must space them out, six is the limit’.
RB’s our famous little bear
And local children stop and stare
He looks so smart with his blue bow-tie
But now they’ll have to say goodbye.
‘Cup of coffee?’ – Oh, no thanks’
We’re near the end of Douglas-Banks:.
These days are now all in the past
The window’s bare and a tear is cast
We say goodbye with much regret
The office soon will be re-let
‘Fancy coffee?’ – No, don’t think so
Now it’s time for us to go.

Lindsey Bex. (Paul Banks colleague)

[After Paul’s untimely death at the end of February 2006 Lindsey felt unable to continue and subsequently the shop finished trading. They will both be missed.]

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VISIBLE SIGNS OF IMPROVEMENT

It is pleasing to report a number of real and expected improvements to the local environment of Northwood Hills. It cannot have escaped your notice that several roads have been resurfaced, eliminating potholes and patching. The prudent use of speed restricting indicator signs at selected sites has had the desired effect of slowing down speeding traffic. More zebra crossings are on the way with possible sites in Watford Road, Joel Street and Northwood High Street. The bollards recently installed outside Northwood Hills station are the preparations for pedestrian crossing build-outs, which with the adapted island will increase the safety measures with improved sight lines, enabling people to cross the busy Joel Street. More money is being invested into repairing our uneven pavements. Additional CCTV has been installed above the shopping parades and this year, with the introduction from April 1st of a dedicated police team, under the Safer Neighbourhood scheme, we should begin to notice an increased police presence making a difference on our streets. The initial police team of four officers headed by a Sergeant will be increased to six from April 2007.

On the subject of cycling and recycling, we have four new sites in Joel Street to secure your bicycles on the Sheffield bike stands and our recycling standards continue to improve with weekly collections now and the inclusion of glass from August this year. The clear bags will be of thicker gauge to accommodate glass bottles. Finally the increasing number of applications for cafes, restaurants and mobile phone masts, receive close scrutiny from Council Officers and your local Councillors to ensure permission is only granted where appropriate after careful consideration and full consultation with the local residents of Northwood Hills.

Cllr. David Bishop

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ANSWERS TO THE Autumn 05 quiz

1. Sounds like you dressed in stockings House 
2. Even Flat 
3. A place constructed by Wolsey
for a Flower Show? - 2 Hampton Court
4. Good chain of mountains Grange 
5. Over the top in a wire enclosure Cottage 
6. Mixtures fail on repeat sowing - 4 Leaning Tower
of Pisa
7. Romany fellow and French Chalet 
8. Small mountain lake about half five Tavern 
9. Some of the contents of Thermos quenches
ones thirst Mosque 
10. O to be moved with father’s fiddle Pavilion 
11. Lord’s been captured they say – 2 Earls Court 
12. Board Lodge
13. Multitude on the Spanish railway Hostelry 
14. Snoop around Spanish River Priory 
15. Seen in a dog approaching from behind Pagoda 
16. A five sided dwelling at the top, perhaps? Penthouse/
Pentagon
17. Distant rodent swallowed hydrogen Farmhouse
18. Beatles road? Abbey 
19. Last hive chaos in Autumn Festival Hall
20. In some confusion he lost! Hostel
21. Not out by the sound of it Inn
22. Fawlty’s in charge in front of
a place of worship Basilica 
23. Al, chap making cube properly – 2 Buckingham Palace
24. A gravity toilet? Igloo
25. By the sound of it I tripped
on tug-boat - 2 Eiffel Tower

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IMMOBILISE NATIONAL PROPERTY REGISTER LOST OR STOLEN

This is the best way to reunite yourself with lost or stolen property. Registering an item is free and you can register as many items as you wish and can even add a picture of the item. The register is supported by the Metropolitan Police, Transport for London, the mobile phone industry and the Bicycle association. To register simply complete the form at www.immobilise.com Once registered, you can also search for items on the UK Police Lost and stolen Register and on the public and second hand trade searchable Stolen Property Database at www.checkmend.org. Mobile phones are registered by using their unique number, which you can access by dialling the following into your phone. *#06#

Margot Barnikel

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NORTHWOOD AND PINNER COMMUNITY HOSPITAL

(Now Known As The Northwood And Pinner Community Unit)

It is some time since the League of Friends contributed to the newsletter regarding the above hospital; this is to bring you up to date with recent events.

As many of you will know the in-patients were transferred on the 28th June 2005 to a new unit at Mount Vernon Hospital (formerly known as Cawthorne Ward) and now to be called Northwood and Pinner Community Unit. Here we have been allocated 24 beds for the care of the elderly and staffed by nurses previously employed at the old hospital. The Physiotherapy Department will continue to function at he rear of the Pinner Road hospital but the Chiropody Clinic has been transferred to the Eastcote Health Centre.

Despite all these changes, the League of Friends is still active and will continue to support the Unit at Mount Vernon. Since July 2005 we have purchased new colourful bedcovers and curtains, medical equipment, Christmas and birthday gifts, a new fax machine, big print daily newspapers, and patients have been entertained by semi-professional singers, all this amounting to £9,650.

At the moment we need volunteers to help in the Unit at Mount Vernon and if anyone is interested in supporting us will you please telephone Wendy Holden or Judy Corti on 01923 844226.

Edith Burton, Hon. Sec., Friends of Northwood and Pinner Community Unit.

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NORTHWOOD LIONS CLUB

We continue to work mainly to help those in our local community, providing days out for both the young and the elderly, as well as our annual fish and chip supper for those who fancy an evening out with some entertainment.
We recently held a tin shake outside Waitrose, which raised nearly £350, which we have contributed to the Northwood Live at Home Scheme. Many thanks to everyone who supported us. We are also running an Easter egg raffle in some local pubs.

All the money that we raise is used for charitable purposes. Our rules require that none can be used for administrative costs.

Our thoughts are now turning to Carnival which will, as usual, take place on August Bank Holiday Monday. We hope for fine weather again this year and hope that many of you will come along to enjoy a fun day out.

Gyl Webb

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NORTHWOOD LIVE AT HOME SCHEME

There have been a some changes recently at the Northwood Live at Home Scheme, and I am happy to be one of them. I have replaced Elizabeth Balfre as LAH Manager. We have also moved our office from the Oaklands Gate library to new premises at St Johns United Reformed Church in Hallowell Road. Live at Home continues to support the elderly people in our community during this transitional period. Since Christmas we have had three lunch outings, and one trip to the Theatre, additional to our regular Tea and Chats held at the Oasis Lounge, at Northwood Methodist church. We also have a busy calendar for forthcoming outings during the spring. We have arranged an assisted shopping trip to Watford and a lunch at the Case is altered in Eastcote. NLAH arrange collection from our members homes to transport them on these occasions, without our volunteer drivers and befrienders these outings can not happen.

Currently we have 100 Members, residents from Northwood and Northwood Hills. We value our volunteers and provide them with all they help they need to bring companionship into the lives of older people in Northwood. 
Northwood Live at Home is a registered charity offering support and friendship to older people in the Northwood area.If you would like further information in becoming a volunteers, or to join our Scheme as a Member Please Contact Angela Murray on 01923 842494.

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MPS – MAILING PREFERENCE SERVICE

This service has been mentioned in an earlier edition of the Echo but with the amount of unwanted literature pushed through our letter boxes at a time when we are being encouraged to ‘save, not waste’ I will mention this service once more. Registration covers everyone in the household with the same surname but cannot filter letters addressed to ‘the occupier’. 
Registration is free and will stop a huge amount of unwanted mail and remains on file for 5 years.
Mailing Preference Service 020 7291 3319
DMA House, 70 Margaret Street, London W1W 8SS
Email mps@dma.org.uk www.mpsonline.org.uk

Margot Barnikel

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DEFINITIONS

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. 
Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.. 
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's. 
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. 
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. 
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. 
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. 
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage .. 
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power 
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody beleives he got the biggest piece 
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present... 
Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidently falls in a river .. 
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing. 
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. 
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

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QUIZ

The answers to the clues are all famous people through the ages. Most of them are known by their second name, some include a first name to identify them and some have their titles. The clues are generally cryptic, where more than one word is in the answers the number is shown in brackets and (H) indicates a hyphen.

1) Llamas quit high Andes interior 
2) Screwed up on principal 
3) Did he create NHS drink? 
4) Gaelic arachnophile (3) 
5) Amphibian – tailless one 
6) What the……! 
7) The fourth man in the Queen’s Gallery 
8) He knew the right angle 
9) Almost run the firmament 
10) Dangerous cocktail 
11) Troglodytes Troglodytes 
12) Almost rub out some music 
13) Happy rock! 
14) Zeus for example – the fourth one 
15) He’s from Chittagong and Hindu 
16) The original Teddy Bear (2) 
17) My father knew him! (2) 
18) Waterproof footwear 
19) Inside spans I start to meditate 
20) Ailing ecclesiastical building? 
21) That idler of reinvention (2) 
22) He disabled troop on banana peel (2) 
23) A man for all seasons (2) 
24) Songster of the Crimea (2) 
25) Quiet voice ran organisation (2) 

£20 Marks and Spencer Voucher for the first correct answer ‘out of the hat’ at the June committee mtg. Return answers to Margot Barnikel, details on front of Echo, by June 24th 2006.

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TRAVEL MOBILITY

Many members have mobility problems and the internet can help find suitable holiday accommodation. Many hotels claim ‘disabled access’ but don’t go into details. It could mean just that they have a ramp at the entrance but it leaves you knowing nothing about the bedroom and bathroom facilities. Here are a few web-sites which might help you find just the holiday you need.
1) www.abletogo.com gives details of UK accommodation in hotels, guest houses or apartments. It grades slopes and steps, width of entrances and many other details.
2) www.accessibletravel.co.uk is a firm that organizes holidays worldwide for wheelchair users, slow walkers, mature travellers and their families and friends.
3) www.groomsholidays.org.uk is Britain’s largest provider of accessible holiday properties. These are mainly self-catering units.
4) www.holidaysforall.org.uk is made up of a dozen member charities in the special needs sector of travel business.
5) www.enable holidays.com features a range of packages to Mediterranean beaches and Florida. If you haven’t got a computer yourself ask a friend to get details or most libraries give you free access.

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SAY NO

Do you think the telephone numbers 0870 are being abused by companies? If you do, there is an answer.. The website www.saynoto0870.com will give you alternative phone numbers. Give it a try.

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ODE TO A DOGWALKER

I am a little baby, not yet a whole year old.
I am so very special to my parents I am told.
I’m starting to take tiny steps and practise every day.
I regularly fall over but it is the only way.

We walk along the road on our way to school
My brother goes there every day to the cheerful pre-school
Our journey is a risky one as rushing cars go by
We totter along the pavements dodging dog-poo and wonder why.

Is it so very difficult to carry a poo-bag
And pick it up once deed is done whilst doggies tails do wag?
It is so very smelly and not at all nice,
If you get some on your wellie it’s everywhere in a trice.

My Mummy has a worry that I may trip or fall, 
and in the dog-poo land, with hand, fingers, face and all.
This may sound light hearted but on a serious note,
Dog-poo may harbour toxoplasmosis, a serious illness may result.

There is a risk to all young children and pregnant women too.
This can result in foetal damage and make little ones very ill too.
So please think of me as you take your pooch for a stroll,
I will be following later and will no doubt take a roll!

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OBITUARY for MR SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr common Sense. Mr Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn’t always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot; she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. Two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner survive him.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

ENGLISH SIGNS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES
In a Bangkok temple:
“IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.”
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
“LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
“DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
“CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
In a City restaurant:
“OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.”
In a cemetery:
“PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
“GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.”
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
“OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”
In a Tokyo bar:
“SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.”
Hotel Yugoslavia:
“THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”
Hotel, Japan:
“YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
“YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.”
Hotel, Zurich:
“BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.”
In a Swiss mountain inn:
“SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.”

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ANSWERS TO THE AUTUMN QUIZ 05 QUIZ

Sounds like you dressed in stockings House
Even Flat
A place constructed by Wolsey for a Flower Show? - 2 Hampton Court
Good chain of mountains Grange
Over the top in a wire enclosure Cottage
Mixtures fail on repeat sowing - 4 Leaning Tower of Pisa
Romany fellow and French Chalet
Small mountain lake about half five Tavern
Some of the contents of Thermos quenches ones thirst Mosque
O to be moved with father’s fiddle Pavilion
Lord’s been captured they say – 2 Earls Court
Board Lodge
Multitude on the Spanish railway Hostelry
Snoop around Spanish River Priory
Seen in a dog approaching from behind Pagoda
A five sided dwelling at the top, perhaps? Penthouse/Pentagon
Distant rodent swallowed hydrogen Farmhouse
Beatles road? Abbey
Last hive chaos in Autumn Festival Hall
In some confusion he lost! Hostel
Not out by the sound of it Inn
Fawlty’s in charge in front of a place of worship Basilica
Al, chap making cube properly – 2 Buckingham Palace
A gravity toilet? Igloo
By the sound of it I tripped on tug-boat - 2 Eiffel Tower

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